I’ve had a boyfriend before. Several of ‘em. I’ll be honest and say that my last one was kind of almost 11 years ago. I say “kinda” because technically, we broke up 13 years ago but we were still gettin’ it in for two years after that.
You know how it is.
There’s the break up.
And then there’s the process of breaking up.
Anyway, although I wouldn’t have thought I’d be single for this long, here I am. And although going a date, getting someone to boo up with on the couch and having an orgasm again at some point in this lifetime would be nothing short of fabulous, I have absolutely no desire to get a boyfriend again in order to do it.
Does this mean that I don’t want to get married someday? Quite the contrary. Sure, I do. It’s just that I firmly believe that if you want something new (in my case, a husband), you’ve got to do things differently (in this case, not get another boyfriend).
If you keep reading, I’ll explain where I’m coming from.
If you want the bottom line, at 43, I’m too old for a BOY-anything.
It’s just a theory, but I’m gonna share it. Maybe the reason why a lot of grown women are sick of being with guys who aren’t mature is because a lot of them are more interested in having a BOYfriend than getting a HUSBAND.
I grew up in the church, so I heard “You’re a wife before he marries you” quite a bit. I don’t disagree with that in the sense of (in my case) a guy needing to have what-I-need-in-a-husband qualities while we’re dating.
But if all I focused on was having a boyfriend, who’s to say the guy I’m interested in isn’t at the emotional maturity level of the fellas I dated in college? Yep. 21 in a 40-year-old’s body.
Words have power. I’m not trying to attract a BOY ANYTHING into my space. (Maybe if we start calling the 2.0 of a boyfriend a MANfriend, I’ll reconsider.)
Boyfriend/Girlfriend Relationships Mimic Husband/Wife Ones Too Much
My friends know that I’m pretty much a protester of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Experience and observation has taught me that most of them simply mock marriage too much. Folks even use the word “monogamous” to define their dating situation when the word actually means “married to one person.” Guess what the original definition is? Married to one person…FOR A LIFETIME. Yeah, how many “monogamous” people do you REALLY know?
If you’re so busy acting married before you actually are, 1) What do you have to look forward to once you do say “I do?” and 2) Doesn’t that set you up to learn more about how to get divorced than to stick things out?
Fall in love, break-up. Fall in love with someone else. Break-up. Rise and repeat. Get jaded and bitter. Compare your future spouse to all of your boyfriends. Now he gets side-eye and not really a fair shot.
Ironically, it’s one of my college male friends who helped to bring me to this resolve. About halfway into his marriage, he was thinking about calling it quits. When I asked him if he was bored, he said something I’ll never forget. “I’ve been married since I was 14.” What he meant was he never got to really enjoy being single because most of it consisted of girlfriends who acted like his wife when they weren't.
Yeah. I’m grown AND I’m single. I pay my own cell phone bill. No man has the right to question me about anything I’m doing until my relational status changes. I fully embrace this fact.
I’m Into All Or Nothing Situations Now
I already shared with you when my last boyfriend was. Six years. Six years of dates. Six years of holidays. Six years of telling each other all of our business. Six years of sex. Six years of our families getting emotionally invested. Six years of us thinking it was heading towards forever with at least the last three of those being more like “I mean, we’ve been together this long. Why break up and have nothing to show for it?” Yeah. I can’t do any more of those.
Don’t think a week goes by when someone isn’t asking me, “So, if you don’t get another boyfriend, how are you gonna get married?!” Simple. It might be counter-cultural, but I’m more focused on cultivating friendships with men. You learn a lot more and your heart is protected (not ultra-guarded; just protected that way).
With the “pressure” being off of a man being my BOYfriend, I can find out all sorts of stuff that he might hide otherwise. His credit history. The last couple of chicks he kicked with. That time he got an STD. His pet peeves about women. And, since we’re friends, there is no sexual pressure; we can get to know each other without wondering if we’re in love or if the sex is just good.
That creates an environment of “all or nothing”. Either we’re gonna stay friends and remain friends because it didn’t go beyond that. Or, one day we’ll BOTH realize we want something more and we’ll move forward.
It’s a proven theory. Two of my closest friends were best friends for over a decade, but only the woman was interested (initially). One day, they were having a conversation about how they saw their future. ONE CONVERSATION took them from besties to a six-month engagement to marriage. It’s been over 16 years now.
My time is precious, y’all. Very.
At 43, I just wanna be friends with guys without all of the “extra.” If we see a future, let’s do this. Get married, over and out. It not, there are no broken hearts to clean up. No regrets. You were my friend; not my BOYfriend. That means no love lost either. All good. Across the board. No time — or feelings — wasted either.
Yeah, I’m doing just fine. Stay tuned.